Memoir of an Abducted Bear
by Winnie-the-Pooh
As told to Cliff Williams
A hilarious account of the Grand Pooh Abduction of 1985, written by the bear himself
Endorsed by Rabbit: “From first to last, Pooh’s adventure is real Poohstuff,” Piglet: “If you like Pooh as much as I do, you’ll like him even more after you read this,” and Eeyore: “There aren’t any thistles in the story, but otherwise it’s okay.”
Main characters:
Pooh Bear: A stuffed bear owned by Prof. Williams. The narrator of the story.
Prof. Williams: Cliff Williams, a professor at Trinity College, Deerfield, Illinois*
Time: April, 1985 – May, 1985
Setting: The campus of Trinity College in Deerfield, Illinois
When I was abducted earlier this year, I never thought that my absence would cause so much entertainment. But it did. And that’s why I am going to tell you about it.
I thought at first that most people wouldn’t be interested in my adventure. Then my friend Ellen said to me, “A lot of people like you, Pooh, and they want to know what really happened. Why don’t you write it down so everyone can read it?” Well, I can’t write, so I am going to tell it to Prof. Williams and he will write it down.
Arrival
Before I start I should tell you how Prof. Williams got me. One day after coming back form chapel, in February, 1985, a faculty assistant said to him, “There’s someone waiting for you in the faculty lounge.” So he went to his office, took off his coat and got himself presentable for the “Someone” in the faculty lounge. I was that Someone. I was sitting on a couch, and pinned to me was a note that said, “Dear Cliff, I am lonely. Will you take me home? Pooh.”
When Prof. Williams saw me, he smiled so big that I thought his ears would split. He picked me up, gave me a big hug, and said, “Why, of course I’ll take you home, Pooh.” Then he took me up to his office and put me on the arm of his favorite chair.
You might be wondering how I got into the faculty lounge. Prof. Williams is also wondering. He never found out, because no one ever told him. But I know. It was Mike who took me there, and it was Mike who wrote the note. Mike likes to have Pooh stories read to him. He’s one of my special friends.
Things to Do
From the moment I arrived in Prof. Williams’s office, I had lots of things to do. Whenever his students came to his office, I gave them hugs. Whenever Prof. Williams gave a test, I went and sat with the students so they would feel good. When it came time for a Little Something, I dipped into my honey pot. (I’m a little embarrassed to admit it, but once I got my paw stuck, and Prof. Williams had to get it out. He said, “Silly old bear,” so endearingly that I didn’t feel so bad.)
What I liked to do most was to send birthday cards to Prof. Williams’s students. His wife gave him a Pooh calendar, which he put on his office door for students to sign on the dates of their birthdays. Then when their birthdays came I sent them special cards.
The very first person I sent a card to was Laura. She was surprised, because she had not signed my calendar. Someone had put up a sign saying, “Happy Birthday, Laura,” and Prof. Williams told me about it. That’s how I knew it was her birthday.
Abducted
I was doing all these things very happily when suddenly everything changed. I was abducted. It happened on Tuesday afternoon, April 9, 1985, just after three o’clock. Prof. Williams had gone to talk to some students for a few minutes while I stayed in his office, sitting on the arm of his chair.
It wasn’t long before a student came along. He saw that Prof. Williams’s office door was open and that Prof. Williams was not in his office. He also saw me.
“Hi, Pooh,” he said, “I see you’re all alone.”
I could tell by the way he said it that he was up to something Suspicious, but I couldn’t tell what it was. So I just sat there and hummed a little tune to myself. That was to show him I wasn’t afraid of being alone.
The student stood there another minute looking at me. He must have been thinking about his Plan to Abduct Me, because all of a sudden he said, “Let’s go, Pooh. You and I are going to have a little fun.” Then he grabbed me and stuffed me into his knapsack. He zipped it up, and walked away as if nothing had happened.
Well, something had happened. And it wasn’t too fun, either—at least not while I was in the knapsack. It was dark in there, and lumpy, too. I had to wriggle around, because there was something that kept jabbing me.
After a while, the jostling stopped. The student unzipped the knapsack and pulled me out. “Look what I got,” he exclaimed with glee, as he held me up to another student.
“It’s not what,” I thought indignantly. “It’s who!”
“Oh, wow!” the other student said. I could tell he was really excited to see me.
I should tell you right now who the two students were. The student who took me was Bruce and the other one was Bob. You have to remember, though, that Prof. Williams didn’t know who they were until after I got back.
I knew who they were because before they abducted me they stopped by every now and then and played nerfball with me in Prof. Williams’s office. I’m not very good at nerfball, so I let them throw the ball for me most of the time. They’re my good friends, and I knew when they took me everything would be all right. But Prof. Williams didn’t know that, because he didn’t know who took me.
Picture
When Bob saw me he immediately thought of a Kidnap Scheme. “Let’s send Prof. Williams a ransom note,” he said to Bruce. “Do you have a camera?”
“Yes,” Bruce replied.
“Good,” Bob said. “You take Pooh home with you and take his picture, and I’ll write a ransom note. How’s does that sound?”
“Great,” said Bruce. “I can’t wait to see how Prof. Williams reacts.”
I could wait, because I knew Prof. Williams would be worried. But I didn’t say anything. I let them go ahead with their Scheme, because I wanted to see what they would do.
Bruce put me back into his stuffy knapsack, and went off to the library to study. He didn’t take me out until he got home that night. The first thing he did when he got home was to get out his Polaroid camera. Then he got some rope and a blue bandanna. He tied my paws together with the rope, put me on a chair and tied me to it. After he put the bandanna over my face, he said, “Okay, Pooh, hold still while I take your picture.”
I couldn’t move anyway because of the rope, so I didn’t. But I did wink my left eye. That was to let Prof. Williams know that I was okay. I don’t think he saw it, though, because the bandanna covered both of my eyes.
After taking my picture, Bruce untied me and took off the bandanna. He put me onto the shelf above his bed, which is where I stayed the whole time I was gone. Whenever Bruce came back from school, he would say, “How are you doing, Pooh?” and without waiting for me to answer he would tell me how his and Bob’s Kidnap Scheme was coming along. That’s how I know what Prof. Williams was doing while I was away. I’ll tell you about that now.
Abduction Discovered
You will remember that he had stepped out of his office for a few minutes. When he came back he didn’t even notice I was gone! I was a little miffed when he told me that after I got back, but he made me feel better when he said he had been thinking about some things, so he just assumed I was still there. (Prof. Williams is always thinking about things.)
Anyway, about two hours later, two students came by to see me. They were Aimee and Tim. As soon as they got into Prof. Williams’s office, Aimee asked, “Where’s Pooh?” That’s when Prof. Williams saw that I wasn’t sitting beside him.
“He was here just a little while ago,” he said. Then he looked on the floor beside the chair. When he saw I wasn’t there, he looked behind the chair. I wasn’t there, either, so he got up and looked under the chair. Then he looked under the chair Tim was sitting on, and under the desk, and behind the door, and in the desk drawers.
As you can tell, Prof. Williams was upset. He asked Aimee and Tim to tell Mike and my other friends about my being gone. They said they would and also that they would keep an eye out for me.
Ransom Note
The next day was Wednesday. When Prof. Williams went to school, he wondered whether anything would happen. Sure enough, something did. While he was at lunch in the cafeteria, someone came and took my honey pot, which I always kept beside me in Prof. Williams’s office. (He had left his door open again!) Also, someone put a ransom note in his mailbox. The note was written with big, sloppily written words, so no one would know who wrote it. It contained the picture Bruce had taken of me. Here is what it said:
Williams
If you haven’t noticed your Pooh has been abducted and unless certain concessions are made the Bear will meet an unhappy end!!! Check your box regularly, and wait for your next instructions. Pooh is in safe (but demented) hands.
The P.E.O.
(Philosophical Elimination
Organization)
I don’t know what those long words mean, but Prof. Williams does. He likes long words.
A Detective Looking for Himself
Oh! I almost forgot to tell you. Guess who had lunch with Prof. Williams on Wednesday—Bruce and Bob!!! They had taken the honey pot and had delivered the note just after Prof. Williams had left for lunch. They had gone to the cafeteria. When they saw Prof. Williams eating lunch, their face lit up, and they went and sat with him.
As soon as they sat down, Prof. Williams asked Bob, “Have you heard about Pooh?”
“Yes,” Bob said, “Mike told me this morning.”
“Have you head about Pooh, Bruce?” Prof. Williams asked.
“No,” Bruce said. “This is the first I’ve heard anything. What happened?”
Bruce said these words with such sincerity and surprise that Prof. Williams thought for sure that Bruce was innocent. Not once did Prof. Williams even suspect him.
Prof. Williams explained to Bruce what had happened. “Do you have any ideas about who took him?” Bruce asked.
“No,” said Prof. Williams. “There weren’t any clues.”
“Have you gotten any notes?” asked Bob.
“No, not yet,” Prof. Williams replied.
“It sounds to me as if you could use some detectives,” said Bob.
“That’s a good idea. How would you like to be one?” Prof. Williams responded.
“Okay,” Bob said. “If you get any notes, let me know.”
“Okay,” agreed Prof. Williams.
That’s how Bob got to be a detective looking for himself.
Developments
After lunch, Prof. Williams went back to his office. The first thing he noticed was that my honey pot wasn’t there.
“Uh, oh,” he said to himself. “It looks as if this kidnapping is turning into something Big.”
Then he went to his mailbox to get his mail. An envelope was there that had “Williams” on it in big sloppy letters. Prof. Williams opened it and out popped the ransom note and picture. He took one look at the picture and exclaimed, “Oh, no! They’ve got Pooh! And he’s all tied up. Poor Pooh. Poor Pooh.” After reading the note, he said, “Don’t worry, Pooh, I’ll get you back. I already have a detective looking for you.” He went back to his office to think about what to do next.
It wasn’t long before Bob came by. “Are there any new developments?” Bob asked.
“Yes,” replied Prof. Williams. “I just got this note and picture, and someone took Pooh’s honey pot while I was at lunch.”
Bob looked at the note and picture. “Ooooh!” he exclaimed. “It looks are if we’re dealing with some pretty tough characters.
“Have you done anything?” asked Prof. Williams.
“Yes,” Bob replied. “I grilled Marcia. Somebody said in class today that Pooh was gone, and she burst out laughing. It sounded suspicious, and besides, she pulls jokes on people. Once she hid inside the lectern before Prof. Graddy’s class, and ten minutes after the class started she knocked on it.
“She did that?”
“Yes. Prof. Graddy almost fell over.”
“What did she say to you?”
“She just laughed and said she would never have taken Pooh.”
“Hmmm. We better watch her.”
“Okay, chief,” said Bob.
“Look at the envelope the note came in,” Prof. Williams said. “The return address is Trinity College Library. Maybe the abductors got a fine from the library. Why don’t you take the envelope to the library and see if anyone there recognizes it?”
“Good idea. I’ll check it out,” Bob said.
“Good luck.”
“I’ll see you tomorrow,” said Bob as he left.
The first place Bob went was to the library. He showed the librarians the envelope, but they did not recognize it. Then Bob found Bruce and told him what he had said to Prof. Williams. They laughed so hard that their stomachs hurt for ten minutes.
Later that afternoon Mike and Monte stopped by to see Prof. Williams. Mike looked at the picture very carefully. “Do you mind if I take it?” he asked. “There’s a book on the shelf behind the chair Pooh is sitting on, but I can’t read its title. Maybe a magnifying glass will help.”
“Yes, take it with you,” Prof. Williams responded. “The title might give us a clue.”
Missing Person Report
“I work for Campus Security,” Monte joined in. “I can turn in a missing person report if you’d like.”
“I’d like that very much,” said Prof. Williams.
“Can you describe Pooh to me?” Monte asked, as he took out a Missing Person Report Form.
“Yes. He’s soft and furry and very lovable.”
“How tall is he?”
“I’m not sure exactly, but you can hold him in your arms very easily.”
“What color is he?”
“He’s yellow, and he wears a red vest that says ‘Pooh’ on it.”
Monte finished writing his report, then said, “I’ll give this to the Security Chief so he can alert everyone on the Security Staff. If they find anything, I’ll let you know.”
“Thanks.”
Mike and Monte left.
A Suspicion
That night the telephone rang at Prof. Williams’s house.
“Pooh Corner. Rabbit speaking.”
“Prof. Williams?”
“Yes, this is he.”
“This is Monte.”
“Oh, hi, Monte. Have you found anything yet?”
“No, but I’ve been watching Mike. He was acting very suspicious at supper tonight, and I was wondering whether you had thought about his being the one who took Pooh.”
“Yes, it occurred to me that he might have, but he acted so innocent this afternoon that I decided he didn’t.”
“He’s a good actor, and he likes to play pranks.”
“You’re right. We’ll have to watch him carefully. If you get any more clues, give me a call.”
“Okay.”
“I’ll see you tomorrow.”
“Goodbye.”
Another Note
On the next day, which was Thursday, nothing happened until 3:30. That’s when Prof. Williams went to talk to someone for a few minutes. When he came back there was a note on the floor outside his office door.
“Aha!” he exclaimed. “Another note!” He picked it up and read it. It said,
Williams,
This situation is getting out of hand. Now that you’ve told your classes and even hired detectives we want a conference. The detectives are getting a little too close so we feel it’s time to talk. Meet us tonight at 5:00 p.m., April 11, 1985, behind the library. If we don’t see you there alone our anxious hands may do some harm to your friend Pooh.
Sincerely
P. E. O.
As you can tell, Prof. Williams had told his classes about my being taken. He also had told Bob that Mike and Monte were detectives, too.
“This could be dangerous,” Prof. Williams said to himself. “Behind that library alone—that’s not a very safe place to be. Suppose I get abducted. Then there would be two of us missing instead of just one. Maybe I should have Mike and Monte go with me.” He called Mike, but no one answered. Then he called Monte, but no one answered there, either.
Prof. Williams thought for a minute. Then he said, “No, I better go alone. If I don’t, I might not get Pooh back.”
Phone Calls
Just then the phone rang. Prof. Williams answered it, but whoever it was hung up.
Less than a minute later the phone rang again. This time someone was there.
“Williams,” a voice whispered.
“Yes, this is he.”
“This is the P. E. O. Did you get our note?”
“Yes.”
“Be there at 5:00—alone.”
“I’ll be there. Is Pooh safe?”
“Yes.”
“Can I talk to him?”
“No.”
“Will you tell him . . .”
“That’s all!” the whisperer interrupted, and hung up.
In less than fifteen seconds, the phone rang again.
“Hello,” said Prof. Williams.
“Go around the right side of the building at 5:00,” came the whisper. “If you don’t come alone, Pooh will die.”
Before Prof. Williams had a chance to say anything, the whisperer hung up again.
A Lookout
“It looks as if they mean business,” Prof. Williams thought, “I’ll go all right. But just in case something happens, I better have someone watching. Maybe Wendy is in.” Prof. Williams called her.
“Hello,” Wendy said.
“Hi, Wendy. This is Prof. Williams.”
“Oh, hi.”
“How would you like to be a spy?”
“That sounds fun. What do I have to do?”
“The P. E. O. just called me and told me to be behind the library alone at 5:00. Can you look out of your window then and see who’s there?” (Wendy’s room in the dorm faces the library.)
“Yes. I’ll tell you later what I see.”
“Thanks. Maybe we can catch the P. E. O.”
“I hope so.”
“Goodbye.”
“Bye.”
Behind the Library
A few minutes before five o’clock, Prof., Williams started toward the library. He walked on the sidewalk around the right side, and exactly at five o’clock he reached the back corner of the library. Just then Rob came out of Courts on 22, which was on the other side of the road, and walked toward Prof. Williams.
“Hi, Rob. How are you?”
“I’m fine. How are you?”
“Good.”
Prof. Williams paused, waiting to see if Rob would say something about the P. E. O.
“What are you doing here?” he finally asked Rob.
“I’m coming from a racquetball game at Courts on 22.”
“Is that all?”
“Yes.”
“Oh, no!” thought Prof. Williams. “The P. E. O. won’t contact me now.”
No sooner had he thought this than Jolene came along the sidewalk from the library. When she got to Prof. Williams and Rob, she stopped to say hello.
“This is getting worse,” Prof. Williams thought. He couldn’t concentrate on anything Rob and Jolene were saying to him because all he could think of was that the P. E. O., wherever they were, was watching. And he didn’t want to tell Rob and Jolene that he was supposed to be there alone.
They finally left, and Prof. Williams breathed a sigh of relief. He walked behind the library toward the pond, but the P. E. O. didn’t come. He walked back toward the sidewalk, but the P. E. O. still didn’t come. He waited for a few more minutes.
“Maybe they saw Rob and Jolene,” he thought. “Or maybe they really just wanted to get me away from my office so they could take my Pooh mug.”
He rushed back to his office and was relieved to see that the mug was still there.
“I wonder what that was all about,” he mused. “I guess I’ll have to wait until tomorrow to find out.
Next Morning
The next morning Prof. Williams asked Wendy what she had seen.
“I saw you walk along the sidewalk and stop,” she said. “Then I saw someone come from Courts on 22 toward you. After that I saw someone come from the library toward you.”
“Did you see anyone watching or anyone acting suspicious?”
“No. Nothing at all.”
After talking with Wendy, Prof. Williams saw Mike and Bob. Bob asked, “Have you gotten any more notes?”
“Yes, but I don’t think I better tell anyone,” Prof. Williams replied. “The P. E. O. might not like it.”
Bob looked hurt. “You’re not even going to tell your trusted detectives?” he asked.
Prof. Williams thought for a little bit. “Well, okay,” he finally assented. “I’ll tell you.” Then he showed them the note he had gotten on Thursday, and explained what had happened. He didn’t tell them about Wendy’s watching, though, because she was a Secret Spy.
“Did you find anything behind the library?” Bob asked.
“No, I didn’t see anything at all,” said Prof. Williams. “But I didn’t look for anything either.”
“Maybe Mike and I should go and check it out.”
“Okay. I’ll be in the cafeteria if you find anything.”
Mike and Bob left, and. Prof. Williams went to the cafeteria to eat lunch with several students. He had just gotten started when Bob came rushing in.
Still Another Note
“Look what we found,” Bob exclaimed, as he excitedly handed Prof. Williams a note that he and Bruce had written.
“Where was it?”
“It was taped to the outside of the door in the back of the library.”
Prof. Williams quickly read the note. It said,
Williams,
We were testing your loyalty to that stupid Pooh. You have done well. The real meeting will be held by phone so that your friends don’t see us. Call us at 2:55 p.m., April the 12th, at the following number: 847-945-9736
P. E. O.
“That’s funny,” said Prof. Williams. “The P. E. O. must have written this before I went to the library, and just assumed I would be there.”
“It looks as if they thought you would have spies watching,” Bob said.
“They probably don’t trust me,” said Prof. Williams. “I could have called some students and had them watch.”
“Whoever they are, they’re pretty clever,” Bob observed with an inner grin.
“It would be nice if we knew whose telephone number this is,” Prof. Williams said. “Can you call the telephone company and find out?”
“Sure, I’ll do that.”
“Good. Let me know before my 2:00 class.”
“Okay. See you later.”
Bob left and Prof. Williams continued eating lunch.
Just before 2:00 Bob and Bruce walked into Prof. Williams’s class.
“Did you find out whose number it is?” Prof. Williams asked.
“I called the telephone company,” Bob lied with a perfectly straight face, “and they said it was a pay phone here at the college. So I went around and checked numbers. It’s the one in the foyer of the library.”
“Great!” exclaimed Prof. Williams excitedly. “I’ll get some spies. Are you two going to be here after class?”
“Yes,” said Bob.
“Yes,” said Bruce.
“Would you like to stake out the telephone then?”
“Sure we’ll do that.”
“This time I’ll catch them for sure. But don’t make yourselves too conspicuous. They might recognize you.”
“Okay. We’ll be careful.”
Bob and Bruce could hardly keep from exploding.
The Telephone Call
After class Prof. Williams went to his office, and Bob and Bruce went to the library. Right at 2:55 Prof. Williams called the P. E. O.’s telephone. The phone rang twice, and then a voice answered.
“Hello,” it said.
“Hello,” said Prof. Williams.
There was a pause, as Prof. Williams waited for the voice to say something more. But it didn’t say anything because it was waiting for Prof. Williams to talk. Finally, he said, “Is this the P. E. O.?”
“No, this is Sherry.”
“Oh. I thought you would be the. P. E. O.”
“No, I’m just Sherry.”
“Okay, Goodbye.”
Prof. Williams hung up. He waited ten seconds and called again. This time another voice answered.
“Hello,” it said.
“Hello,” said Prof. Williams. After another short pause, he asked, “Are you the P. E. O.?”
“No, this is Shari. I was just walking past the telephone when it rang.”
“Oh. Okay. Goodbye.”
Torture
“Now why didn’t the P. E. O. answer?” thought Prof. Williams, as he hurried off to his 3:00 class. He didn’t have long to wait for an answer to this question, for five minutes after the class started a note was thrust under the door in front of his classroom. The note slid nearly eight feet along the floor before it stopped.
The students in the class riveted their attention onto Prof. Williams to see what he would do. He stopped talking, walked over to the note and picked it up. When he saw the familiar “Williams” printed sloppily on it, he knew it was from the P. E. O. So he dashed into the hallway. (This, no doubt, was the first time Trinity College students had seen one of their professors run out of a classroom during class.) Unfortunately, Bruce, who had delivered the note, had run off. Prof. Williams went back to his class.
When he got back, he opened the note and read it to the class. The note said,
Williams
We saw Bob at the fone. We don’t like not being able to trust you! This is the last picture of a whole Pooh you’ll see!
More to come!
(If you cooperate)
A P. O. ed P. E. O.
P. S. These were Pooh’s last requests before torture.
There was also another picture of me in the note. In it, I was sitting on a chair, wearing dark sunglasses. I was also smoking and drinking. When Bruce took this picture of me, I bent the end of the cigarette and did not open the beer can to show Prof. Williams that I wasn’t really smoking and drinking.
After reading the note and showing my picture to his class, Prof. Williams announced that he was calling all his detectives off the case. He did this so he could restore trust with the P. E. O. But, as you will see, he didn’t stop trying to find me.
When the class was over, Prof. Williams went into the hallway and talked with several students. Bruce came along, and Prof. Williams asked him who he had seen in the library.
“I saw Sherry answer the phone and I saw Shari answer it a minute later.”
“Did you see anyone else around the phone?”
“No, just people going out of the library to class.”
Prof. Williams showed Bruce the note and picture. Bruce looked at them so naturally that the idea that Bruce might have written the note and taken the picture never even entered Prof. Williams’s mind.
Investigation
After leaving Bruce, Prof. Williams decided he would do some investigating on his own. The first thing he did was to call Lori, a librarian, to see if she had seen anyone near the library telephone. Just before calling the P. E. O., at 2:55, he had called Lori and asked her to watch the P. E. O.’s telephone. Lori said she had not seen anyone other than the persons Prof. Williams already knew about, although she had seen Ken go in and out of the library about five minutes before 3:00.
“Aha!” thought Prof. Williams. “Maybe it’s Ken who is behind all this. He’s clever and he also likes to do funny stuff.” (Last year on a Saturday night at 10:30 Ken and several other students had brought Prof. Williams a birthday cake that they had rescued from a Sara Lee dumpster—three months after his birthday!) “But how will I find out?” he wondered.
After a bit, he jumped up and exclaimed, “I know! I’ll have Laura call him and I’ll listen on the extension phone. (Laura is Prof. Williams’s daughter.) She can call herself Sue and pretend she knows some people who are planning a Pooh Rescue Operation. She can ask him if he wants to know more about it and if he says he does, then I’ll know he’s the one.”
That night Prof. Williams had Laura call Ken. Ken said that he wanted to know more about the rescue operation, and Laura said she would call him back when she found out more about it. That made Prof. Williams think that Ken was my abductor, until two days later when he remembered that Al, a student in his 3:00 class, had acted very suspicious when the note had come sliding under the door. So he had Laura call Al. When Al said he wanted to know more about the rescue operation, Prof. Williams thought Al had take me, until the next day, when he told Bob what Al had said. Bob responded that that did not prove Al had taken me, because he might just be interested in trying to get me back.
Prof. Williams also talked to Sherry and Shari, the two students who had answered the P. E. O.’s telephone. They vigorously affirmed their innocence, and Prof. Williams believed them.
A Clue and a Note
Mike, who had taken the picture of me to see if he could get any clues from it, told Prof. Williams that he had found out the name of the book in the picture. The book was not used as a textbook in any courses at the college, but it was, he said, used as part of the training program for a nearby youth center. Bruce, he said, worked at the center. Prof. Williams thanked Mike for his very professional detective work, but said that Bruce could not have taken me because he was acting so innocent.
On the Tuesday after the Friday Telephone Incident, Prof. Williams received another note in his mailbox. It said,
Williams,
Just decided to drop you a line to torment your mind. Be prepared for a meeting this week with the bear (if you are on good behavior).
Remember, NO SPIES.
Cordially,
The P. E. O.
P. S. Hope you enjoy looking at this picture as much as we enjoyed taking it!!
The picture in the note showed me with a chain around my neck, being whipped. I couldn’t do anything to send Prof. Williams a secret message like I did in the other pictures, so I am afraid that he was tortured as much by looking at the picture as I was being tortured in the picture. Poor Prof. Williams.
All week he waited expectantly to see me. But nothing happened. Maybe that was because Bob and Bruce had heard about the investigation that Prof. Williams was doing. In addition to making sly telephone calls to suspects, he had hired two Top Secret Detectives—Ron and Jim. They searched for clues, but unfortunately could not find anything concrete. Prof. Williams also had announced that he would give a reward to the person who returned me alive. The reward would be dessert at a nearby restaurant. “Oh, boy!” said Bob and Bruce when they heard this. “Not only do we get to see Prof. Williams wriggle and squirm, but we also get dessert.”
The Sunday Night Pond Caper
Because there had been no big excitement during that week, Prof. Williams was expecting something to happen the next week. It did all right, but it came a lot sooner than he expected. It was the Sunday Night Pond Caper.
“Oh, Pooh,” Prof. Williams interrupted. “You’re not going to tell everyone about that, are you? I’m a little embarrassed about it.”
“The reason I want to tell you about it is because of all the fun everyone had.”
“Oh, all right, but just don’t say anything about the special precautions I took in addition to getting the spies or about the student I woke up.”
“That’s fair enough.”
Here is how it happened. Shari (the one who answered the P. E. O.’s telephone) decided she would have a Pooh Party at her house. She thought it would be a good way for the P. E. O. to return me, and besides it would be lots of fun. She advertised it as a B. Y. O. P. party—a Bring-Your-Own-Pooh party. Prof. Williams couldn’t bring me, so he brought the next best thing—Pooh stories.
At the party, which started at 8:00 p.m., everyone sat around waiting for something to happen. But nothing did, and after a while people started going home. Prof. Williams was just getting up to go, too, when the telephone rang. It was 9:45. Shari answered it, and a muffled voice said, “One clue, and one clue only. Williams at the seminary pond, tonight at 10:30—alone, or else Pooh dies.” The caller hung up without waiting for a response.
When Shari told Prof. Williams, his first reaction was, “10:30 is too late to go traipsing around campus.” Then he thought, “But if I don’t go, maybe I won’t get Pooh back. I guess I better go, but I should have some spies there. It’s dark and lonely at the pond at night, and if I got nabbed it would be nice to have some witnesses. Now how can I have spies there without their looking like spies?” he wondered. He thought for a minute, then said, “I know what I’ll do. I’ll get some couples to go there. The P. E. O. will think that they are there on their own. After all, the pond is a romantic hot spot anyway.”
He called Tim and asked him if he and Tiffany could be at the pond at 10:30. He also called Ron and asked him if he could get someone to go with him to the pond.
In the meantime, Don, who had been at the Pooh Party, sprung into action. He called his roommate and asked him to drop his black camouflage clothes out the window of their dorm room. Then he went and got them, put them on and hid in some bushes near the pond.
Right at 10:30 p.m., Prof. Williams strode into the pond area. The first thing he saw was Tim and Tiffany, who were sitting beside the pond. They looked as if they were enjoying themselves. Near them were the bushes where Don was hiding. Don whistled softly to Prof. Williams as he walked past. Ron and Allison were on the other side of the pond, looking at the trees.
Prof. Williams nervously walked around the pond. When he got to the boulder at the north end, he noticed a piece of paper that was secured to the ground with a fork.
“That must be from the P. E. O.,” Prof. Williams thought. He pulled the fork out of the ground, picked up the note and read it. It said,
Williams,
Good, you’re still interested. Follow our directions or else Pooh will end up swimming with cement shoes in this pond.
P. E. O.
On the other side, it said,
Tomorrow
10:00
Chapel!
Prof. Williams was both disappointed and excited. He had expected to get me back or at least to talk to the P. E. O. But all he got was another note. At the same time, he couldn’t wait until Monday’s chapel to see what would happen. Thinking that no one else was at the pond, he went home.
Masked Thugs
The next day he found out that someone else had been at the pond. In fact, there had been five someone else’s, all of whom were hiding in the bushes on the dark side of the pond. When Prof. Williams walked around the pond, he didn’t see them. But Don did, and after Prof. Williams left, he went to investigate. As soon as Don got close enough to see them clearly, he noticed that they all has masks on. So he went even closer and said in a husky voice, which he uses only when he meets masked people alone in dark forests, “What are you doing here?”
The five masked thugs didn’t reply, because they knew Don would recognize their voices if they did. (One of them was Don’s roommate!) Instead, they rushed at Don, grabbed him, and started carrying him to the pond. For a few seconds, it looked as if Don would have an unexpected bath. But he wriggled and flailed and got himself free. He ran away so fast that his legs looked like a windmill.
During Monday’s chapel, Don, Shari, and Prof. Williams sat together. The three of them were eagerly waiting for me to come back. But I didn’t. And the P. E. O. didn’t leave a message either.
Handwriting
On Monday afternoon, Prof. Williams got another note. It said.
Williams,
We don’t like spies at the pond. If it happens again, Pooh’s days are over. Don’t try to cross us again. Follow further directions.
P. E. O.
“The P. E. O. keeps stringing me along,” thought Prof. Williams. “Maybe next time I shouldn’t have any spies.” He looked at the note again. “Hey! Wait a minute!” A sudden thought occurred to him. “Is this the same handwriting as in the first notes from the P. E. O.?”
Prof. Williams got out the original notes and compared them with the pond note and the note he had just received. All of them were written in the same sloppy way, but some of the letters in the last two notes were formed differently from the letters in the first two notes. “Hmmm,” Prof. Williams thought. “Either there is more than one person in the P. E. O. or someone else is pretending to be the kidnapper.”
A Confirming Clue
On Wednesday he got a Confirming Clue. When he walked into the cafeteria at lunch time, he saw Paul, Jon, Rob, and Lorenzo eating lunch together. Of all the people Prof. Williams suspected of taking me, these were the ones he suspected the most. That’s because Dave, a volunteer spy, reported to him that he had seen a half-written ransom note on a desk in their suite. When Paul, Jon, Rob, and Lorenzo saw Prof. Williams, they grinned and laughed in such a way that he knew they were guilty of something. So he sat down and had lunch with them.
During lunch he asked each of them to write “Williams” with both their left and right hands. (They couldn’t refuse because that would have been to admit their guilt.) After he got back to his office, he compared their writing with the writing in all there notes he had received. None of their writing was like that in the original P. E. O. notes, but the writing of one of them—Paul—was like that in the last two notes.
Prof. Williams didn’t know whether Paul, Jon, Rob, and Lorenzo were the real P. E. O. So he decided to announce that he was not going to accept any more notes from the P. E. O. unless they were accompanied by my honey pot. Before he had a chance to make this announcement, though, he got still another note.
A Last Note and a Last Picture
He was sitting in his office on Wednesday afternoon being philosophical when suddenly there was a swooshing sound, as if something was sliding along the floor. Normally, Prof. Williams wouldn’t have investigated, but with me gone, strange things were happening and a swooshing sound might mean something Important.
Prof. Williams jumped up and ran into the hallway. There on the floor near his office door was a book with a note wrapped around it. The note said,
Williams
Now that Pooh’s death is official, here’s something to remember him by.
P. E. O.
The book was The Tao of Pooh by Benjamin Hoff.
Prof. Williams didn’t believe the note was from the real P. E. O., because the handwriting was different from the handwriting in all of the other notes. Besides, he knew that his furry and lovable Pooh would melt the hearts of even the most hard-hearted kidnappers. He liked the book, though. It was both humorous and philosophical.
One more thing happened before I came back. On Tuesday Prof. Williams got another picture of me. It was put underneath his office door. The picture showed me sitting beside Bruce’s cat, with a chain holding us together. When Bruce took this picture, he meant for it to show me being chained to the cat. But as anyone can plainly see, the cat is the one who is chained to me.
A Flying Bear
And now I come to the best part of all—the time I came back. Prof. Williams calls it The Great Flying Bear Phenomenon. On Wednesday night Bruce said to me, “Tomorrow’s the big day, Pooh. You’re going to go flying through the window of Prof. Williams’s classroom.”
That sounded like lots of fun. The only thing I was worried about was missing the open window and hitting the closed window instead. I’m not too fond of bouncing off closed windows. “Don’t worry, Pooh,” Bruce said. “I’ll aim real good.”
On Thursday Bob got to class early and opened one of the windows. It was a warm day, so Prof. Williams didn’t suspect anything. He started class and was in the middle of a long, complicated sentence when I came flying through the open window. I arched gracefully toward the front of the room and landed right in front of Prof. Williams.
The look on Prof. Williams’s face was a mixture of astonishment, glee, and gratification, but mostly astonishment. Jeff said later that he wouldn’t have missed that look for a million dollars.
Prof. Williams picked me up and said, “Are you okay, Pooh? I mean, did you hurt yourself when you landed on the floor?”
We bears are pretty resilient. I get lots of landing practice whenever I look for honey in tall trees.
Just then Bruce walked into the classroom. Bob jumped up and gave Prof. Williams my honey pot, declaring, “We’re the real P. E. O., sir.”
Prof. Williams’s jaw nearly dropped off. “You and Bruce?” he stammered. “But how . . . ?” It took several minutes for this revelation to sink in.
“You knew everything I was doing, because you . . .”
“That’s right,” Bob giggled.
“Which one of you took him?”
“I did,” said Bruce. “I was walking past your door . . . ,” and for the next twenty minutes everyone talked about the Grand Pooh Abduction of 1985.
Prof. Williams, of course, treated Bob and Bruce to dessert. He also had a Return Celebration with Monte, Ellen, and Colleen. Ellen brought the Pooh Song and Colleen taught it to everyone, because she knows it by heart.
And that’s the end of the cleverest and most intriguing kidnapping of a bear that has ever occurred at Trinity College.
One more thing: Prof. Williams and I have adopted special measures that will foil even the smartest kidnapping scheme. But we’ve promised each other not to tell anyone what they are.
Thanks
I want to thank everyone, but especially (in order of their appearance),
Prof. Williams, who helped me write these memoirs
Ellen Palmer, who suggested I write them
Mike Magnus, who started it all my giving me to Prof. Williams
Mrs. Prof. Williams, who gave Prof. Williams a Pooh calendar
Laura Barron, who is the first person I sent a birthday card to
Bruce Guthrie, who abducted me and took my picture
Bob Petty, who wrote the ransom notes
Aimee Forsythe, who first noticed that I was gone
Tim Lewis, who was with Aimee when she noticed I was gone
Marcia Olson, who was one of the first suspects
Prof. William Graddy, who almost fell over
Monte Heil, who helped look for me
Wendy Meister, who served as a secret spy
Rob Cherwenka, who was at the secret rendezvous, but didn’t know it
Jolene Carlson, who also was at the secret rendezvous, but didn’t know it
Sherry Stranberg, who answered the P.E.O.’s telephone
Shari Carlson, who also answered the P.E.O.’s telephone
Ken Nelson, who became a suspect
Al Velasco, who also became a suspect
Laura Williams, who made sly telephone calls to suspects
Ron Plumb, who served as a Top Secret Detective
Jim Yanik, who also served as a Top Secret Detective
Shari Carlson, who hosted the Sunday Night Pooh Party
Tim Thompson and Tiffany Wilson, who became secret spies at the Sunday Night Pooh Caper
Ron Plumb and Alison Haverkate, who also became secret spies at the Sunday Night Pooh Caper
Don Ball, who was a camouflaged spy at the pond
Al Velasco, Paul Pleva, Jon Markese, Rob Van Dixhorn, and Pete Thompson (Don Ball’s roommate), who were masked thugs at the pond
Lorenzo Rodriguez, who lived with the chief suspects
Dave Weick, who reported incriminating evidence about Al, Paul, Jon, Rob, and Lorenzo
Jeff Slater, who wouldn’t have missed for a million dollars the look on Prof. Williams’s face when I came back
Baker’s Square, where Prof. Williams treated Bruce and Bob
Denny’s Restaurant, where the Return Celebration was held with Monte, Ellen, and Colleen
Monte Heil, Ellen Palmer, and Colleen Rumley, who sang the Pooh Song together in Johnson Hall Lounge on campus after the Return Celebration
Ann Eberhardt, Trinity College class of 2004, for retyping the original memoir booklet, which had been typed in 1985 on paper
Me, for being me
Note by Cliff Williams: All of the events in this story really happened. When I read the story to Bob and Bruce in the summer of 1985, they said, “That’s exactly how it all happened.”
* Cliff Williams is now Emeritus Professor of Philosophy at Trinity College (Trinity International University) in Deerfield, Illinois. Email: cwilliam at trin dot edu
Copyright 2024 by Cliff Williams
Originally printed as a booklet in 1985 for Trinity College students. Posted online September 20, 2024.
Endorsements
“From first to last, Pooh’s adventure is real Poohstuff.” – Rabbit
“If you like Pooh as much as I do, you’ll like him even more after you read this.” – Piglet
“There aren’t any thistles in the story, but otherwise it’s okay.” – Eeyore